Thanks Zuckerberg. Thanks for everything

Ok, I admit it. I hate Facebook. But as much as I hate it, I can't seem to get rid of it.

Facebook is the bane of many people's lives, not least mine. I while away hour after hour with the homepage open in one tab as I look around the internet in another. Every few minutes I'll click back to catch up on anything I've missed, hit refresh, and see what notifications I have. More often than not, there are none. Why? Because everyone I know is doing the same thing.

But it doesn't end there. Like the pretentious twat I am, I have an iPhone. And you know what that means? Facebook apps. Woohoo, now I can check up on nothing happening wherever I may be: in the post office, having a poo, waiting for a bus. Perfect. I desperately needed to know instantaneously what my fourth cousin had for lunch or that my teenage crush has another new boyfriend. How would I have made it through the day without knowing?

While it certainly has many virtues, its drawbacks are much more plentiful. It is addictive, it is invasive, and it's simply a means for the arrogant part of ourselves to show off. You've just been promoted for and are getting paid an extra £10k? Fuck you. You've posted pictures of you on the beach in the Maldives? Fuck you too.

But worst of all, it's just so damn boring. I don't care for most people and their insipid updates, so those shallow users with 500+ friends - most of which are added after one short meeting - must have newsfeeds that are suicide inducing. And if anyone - ANYONE - sends me a game request, I will find you and I will kill you.

I hate you Facebook. I hate the fact I can't get rid of you. But one day... one day... you'll be sorry.