Ppl dat tlk lik dis

I've been writing for a living for over a decade. My favourite authors are Gore Vidal and George Orwell. I love reading and I love to write. So imagine my despair whenever I receive a text message.

Think about all those magical stories that have shaped our lives. There's nothing like the escapism that comes from a good novel. The English language is so wonderful and versatile that good writing should be simple. Naturally, it's not. But at least Orwell was good enough to provide a few tips for good writing that he himself followed. These were:

1. Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.

2. Never use a long word where a short one will do.

3. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.

4. Never use the passive where you can use the active.

5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.

6. Break any of these rules sooner than saying anything outright barbarous.

I'm guessing that Orwell didn't have a mobile phone when he was putting these tips together. So he must be turning in his grave when people bastardise the language in text speak. Even when we focus on tip two ('Never use a long word where a short one will do'), Orwell could never have imagined receiving a message such as: 'Hi m8, wuu2? Wanna go 2 da pub?'

I refuse to write in such a despicable way, so trying to come up with an example phrase was, in itself, difficult. And if writing it is hard enough, reading it is another thing altogether. It can often take an eternity to decipher what's being said.

In fact, it's so bad, I'd rather read a Dan Brown novel.