Flip flops: put your hideous hooves away

Missing from image: some ugly plates of meat

Now, there are very few people out there that, when asked to name the most attractive part on a body, would say the foot. And yes, before you start, I know that foot fetishes exist and that there are probably a million-and-one masturbatory websites dedicated to feet, shoes, socks and all things foot-related. But for those of us that are a bit more 'normal', the foot can be rather unsightly.

It's not that all feet cause a gag reflex. I've witnessed many a finely-pedicured foot, some beautifully adorned with fancy nail polish, others tasteful jewellery. Despite this, I'm certain I'd be a much happier person if all feet stayed hidden, particularly in public. Which leads me on to my item of hate. It's not the foot. Oh no. It's something much more annoying: flip flops.

I've focussed on the lack of aesthetic value the foot may have. And yes, wearing a flip flop brings this to our attention. But that's not the only reason it's a figure of hate. It's also that stupid noise they make. Man alive it drives me mental.

You can always hear people with flip flops coming. And it's always the same sort of person wearing them. Two consecutive days of sunshine and the shouts ring out: "Summer's here!". Shorts are on, feet are out, barbecues planned. Their incessant optimism about the weather and the need to wear ridiculous footwear drives me insane. And then they have the temerity to complain about how the gap beside their big toe gets sore from the flip flops!

For goodness sake people, it's the 21st century. Put some real shoes on, not something humans were wearing thousands of years ago. Grow up.